My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
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Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time