The answer is funnier than the question
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SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift