I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
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Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.