“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
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Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.