My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
You Might Also Like
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”