I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
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I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
I beg your pardon?
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
is nasa ok
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down