Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
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90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
seems like a niche market
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
this FaceApp is creepy af
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.