idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
You Might Also Like
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”