Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
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LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
I’ve had worse
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”