Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
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I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
water it, i dare you
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.