Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
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[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.