I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
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What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.