Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
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Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
fixed it
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.