I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
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In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Worth a try
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface