I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
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I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now