Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
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Home is where your toilet is.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.