Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
You Might Also Like
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”