Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
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Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband: