My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
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There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili鈥檚 gift card* I hate you guys
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Not today, today.
Not today.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I鈥檓 a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it鈥檚 a spider.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN鈥橲 PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that鈥檚 racist
CHARLIE BROWN鈥橲 PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he鈥檚 not my President
CHARLIE BROWN鈥橲 PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
FIANC脡: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
馃
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
barbara was highly relatable
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
good let them take over I have had enough
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.