Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
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I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Forever 21… pounds overweight
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.