Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
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[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Nose
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.