Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
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#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Great game to play with friends
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!