*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
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*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.