You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
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When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.