Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
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My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
it must be school picture day
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Lucky old June.