Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
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A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I’m giving up for Lent.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.