they finally got him. they got macavity
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Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful