Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
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A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?