ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
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“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I see your IQ test came back negative