[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
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Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”