google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
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I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…