Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
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Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
…..pretty much.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Terribly Tuesday.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?