Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
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I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
*puts cutlery down*
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*