The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
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“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.