I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
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Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
screw you
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.