called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
You Might Also Like
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
My Guy
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.