H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
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Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
@funTweeters
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*