God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
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Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
i love meeting boys on tinder
“What movie?” 🤔
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”