I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
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I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Well, that didn’t work.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”