seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
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Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum