My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
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Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.