[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
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Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Whoa 😂
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?