POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
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boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
The Friday File.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers