My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
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Geez man, take it easy.
Finally! 😈
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all