My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
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Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
same energy
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well