Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
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Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart