[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
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[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!