Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
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[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.