If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
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Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
choose your fighter
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.