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Ok, but like, how married are you?
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta